Neil: What can you tell us about how important the father’s role is during early childhood, when nurturing, which is naturally a female characteristic, seems to be the most important factor – what role does the father best play at this stage?

Astri: I think in very early childhood, the father has an important role in supporting the mother and to make her feel safe and comfortable. We know that if this relationship is difficult, then the mother is more likely to suffer from depression after birth. However, I have seen in some families when the mother is severely depressed that the father steps in and takes over the role and has done a great job with nappies, bottle-feeding, putting to sleep and all the nurturing – in some of these cases the mother goes back to work early which can make her more healthy and the father is the one closest to the baby. In other instances, when the mother is treated  for depression and getting better, she can take over the main care of the baby again. It isn’t that the father is not able to do the nurturing work, but when she is healthy the mother gets lots of help from hormones, from oxytocin, which is released when she is breast feeding. It’s interesting that oxytocin is also excreted through comforting and touch, so it is important for bonding between father and child that the father also stays close to the baby, to get these ‘relationship hormones’ to flow in him too.

When does the father become important as a separate entity? Fathers I’ve spoken to say that from their perspective the baby becomes more interesting at around two or two-and-a-half years because then they start to interact with you. 

The father is important from the beginning, but if you ask mothers and fathers, when the mother is pregnant, how they visualize their child, the father very often visualises a bigger child, around two or three so that’s how he sees it. When the mother and child are very close at the beginning, I think the father is very important interacting as a third person, relating to the mother and to the child in a triangle. And it’s important for the child at an early age to fall in love with both the mother and the father and also to understand that it’s the mother and the father that belong together in a couple relationship and therefore not winning the competition in that relationship. The parents need to work hard to demonstrate a good relationship so the child sees love and understanding and the father and mother interacting well together.

What do you think about routine for a baby? Obviously consistency is good between parents but we assume, and baby books tells us, that babies respond well to routine and feel comfortable and safe within boundaries of regularity of going to bed and getting up, etc. But there is also a school of thought that you should let the child guide you and not have a routine and let them find their own way.

I’m in both camps; I think you need to let the child lead in some way and then you adjust. Starting right from newborns, you make a compromise by finding a routine through reading the child’s signals and then taking into account what the family needs. This way the child gets the feeling that they are important and are able to influence the world but also that other people matter too. This way they learn to take a ‘we’ position – but to do this best they also need an ‘I’ position too. Most important is that the child can get a secure attachment through getting the experience of a psychological connectedness that is based on their signals being heard and understood. This is the basis for the attachment theory. Research over the last 50 years shows that attachment is a very important psychobiological phenomenon. The reason we survive is the capacity to be attached to our parents as children. As soon as a baby comes out of the womb they seek relationship attachment while at the same time looking to explore the world on their own. To fully understand how to help the child’s development we need to understand how mirror neurons work in the brain. Around 10 years ago in Italy research was being conducted on apes. Electrodes were connected on their heads to see what part of their brain was firing when doing different tasks. During a break the apes were looking at the researchers sitting having lunch when a researcher put a peanut in his mouth. The ape brain was firing in the same neurons as if the ape himself had eaten the nut. They discovered the mirror neurons and started research into these neurons which we are all born with. They learned that when as a young baby we look at an adult, parts of our brain fire that show we copy expressions and actions. The researchers started to wonder if this was the way we learnt about the world – by looking into another’s eyes and face, our brain reacting and learning and then getting the same feelings and repeating the same expression or actions ourselves. So parents are able to get the baby’s feelings inside themselves through their mirror neurons, and in that way they can understand and tune into the child. In this way we get the baby’s mind in our mind and can give it back to the baby as something that is tolerable and understandable. We give the baby the understanding of the world, they read our signals and make the connections in their own brain – this is very important. The parents need to have the babies mind in their mind, consider what the baby feels and wants and then put that into words and actions. You can start with the baby’s situation then widen it to include others – parents and siblings – this supports their education in the feeling of ‘I’ and through that developing a deep feeling of meaning. Depression on the other hand is experienced as a feeling of being without meaning.

So baby is looking and copying and learning by making connections in the brain? 

Yes, in the first years the baby is making a lot of connections in its brain and if the connections the child is making are about a dangerous world where they are helpless and incompetent, this can influence their whole life in a negative way. Many problems start before we communicate with words – feelings and emotions are especially important to mirror, including the physical display of emotions. This makes the baby (and growing child) conscious of how they feel and how they relate to the world. They understand that their parents are able to understand and ‘be with’ their feelings and they begin to regulate their feelings based on responses and eventually regulate them on their own. It’s taken quite a while for psychologists and the wider world to take this psychobiological research into account. In the beginning the baby does not know if difficult states they experience come from inside or outside. When parents mirror their feelings and mind states, then the child starts to learn to know and tolerate their own feelings. They also learn about other people’s feelings. By moving away and discovering the world on their own, they will at periods need to return to those nearest persons to get a ‘fill’ of closeness and validation. If this person then reads the signals and gives the answers to the babies own inner state on their return, it is called ‘in-tuning’.  In a slightly older child, for instance when a little girl comes with a flower and shows interest and joy, it’s important that parents share this and show and communicate the feeling. The child then gets their own state validated and security confirmed. This is very important for difficult feelings too – like crying, the parents can empathise and show they understand, not only with words. It seems to be important to interact at their level, to show with your voice that you are with them, not an adult ‘I understand” but in-tuning by showing focus and concern at their level. This is mirroring their feelings and helps them process and understand the feeling.

Here is a model that I use to demonstrate this:

It shows the child needs to go out exploring the world on their own, supported by the parents delight, and they also need the security of being watched over and helped when they are not managing themselves. Then they need to be welcomed-in when they are feeling overwhelmed, or they are hungry, tired, hurt or perhaps they just need to feel close. Research shows that comforting a child is the most important factor in developing the child’s security. If an older child says, ‘I’m worried about my looks’, the parents often answer ‘it’s nothing to worry about.’ But instead they could tune into and try to understand it, saying, ‘oh, that is not a good feeling to have, let me hear about how you feel’, or something like that – this calms and regulates the child’s feelings. This is also often true between partners in a relationship too. It’s particularly difficult because of our own childhood, it’s always difficult to grow up, and we are all defined by the way we were taught and brought up. In this model it says grown-ups should always be ‘bigger, stronger, wiser and kind’ but we are often bigger, stronger and wiser but not kind, or kind but not bigger, stronger or wiser. The child either gets insecure with no ‘bigger stronger wiser’ or frightened with no kindness. Sometimes we need to take charge, by leading the child to go to bed or not having a cake immediately, but often we get into fights with our children. Their feelings and wants need to be evaluated first. Then they very often will cooperate and we can get them to listen to our demands. We should use ‘time-in’ rather than ‘time-out’ – after tantrums I think you should stay with them not isolate them, take them out of the situation of discomfort, but help them to calm down by being with them and understanding their feelings not punish them. 

This seems a great way to build confidence and self-esteem. I read recently that traditionally it was thought that bullies were children with low self-esteem, but now recent research shows that this isn’t the case, and bullies can actually be those with high self esteem. An idyllic childhood consisting of constantly been told they are perfect, fantastic and every drawing they do is magnificent is not necessarily a recipe for success.

I’m not familiar with that research, but I think it makes sense. After the strict upbringing of the fifties, the next generation was eager to be freer and more generous, but it can develop narcissism if we give the child the feeling of being better than everybody else by praising them all the time. We must help out children to see and understand other people’s feelings.

A healthy childhood starts with the regulation of feelings, and as the child develops they become better able to regulate themselves, but will always need the help of others – as we all do, even when we are older. It’s a big lesson when a child can learn to reflect on other people’s mental states, and can see for instance that others are sad. Reflecting is a very good skill to show and teach, and reflecting on how others feel is very useful. This of course is a problem in adult relationships too, lots of adults aren’t good at this. When a child is with other children, if they can recognise the emotions of others (using their own mirror neurons), and can name it, and know that feeling themselves, then it is much harder for them to be bullies.

Also we should always consider our own childhood perceptions and fears. We talk about grown-ups’ ‘shark music’. This is a concept derived from the film ‘Jaws’. If you show a film clip of someone swimming in a deep blue ocean with beautiful classical music it’s a wonderful experience. But then you show the same visual image with the soundtrack of Jaws and the same picture can give the feeling that it’s dangerous to go swimming. It’s a good metaphor for how we project our own feelings onto our children and we don’t understand it’s really from our childhood, we see it just as a dangerous feeling and we shut down emotionally – then we are not able to see our children’s needs. This is true for every situation your child may be in; in the playground; in their relationships, etc. – we must develop our own consciousness of how our own shark music plays. And both parents carry this, so both must learn to know their own shark music in every situation for the child – and for each other.

Of course, when we don’t live up to our own expectations and make mistakes we get disappointed and think we have let our child down. But if we strive to do the right thing, constantly share ideas and reflections with our partner or close friends in order to be more able to see our own shark music, then we are more able to tune-in, and if we remember to be bigger, stronger, wiser and also kind – research shows that getting it exactly right 30% of the time is a very good result and we will have a good chance of giving our child a secure attachment. This is like a vaccination against depression and other psychological problems later in life. 

Thank-you Astri.

Thank-you, and happy Father’s Day in Australia for 2^nd September.

So you decide to have a child.. and the love bubble that you and partner are in gets you through those early days – the pregnancy and the first few months – but what then? The endless sleepless nights (in our case), the tiredness, the no time for self etc etc etc.. Well i’m not sure how many others have experienced the relationship love bubblecoming to an end but i tell you now.. it happens.. usually when the teething begins! I spoke to a guy at soccer the other night – he had just had a baby and was asking us does it get easier etc and talking about the strain on his relationship. Its a common occurrence. Another friend had his daughters birthday party recently and said that most of the parents there, except for one couple, were separated. The girl was 7 yrs old.

This prompted me to do a tiny bit of research. In Canada a study was conducted that shows over the past thirty years the percentage of children experiencing the separation of their parents at a young age was increasing. It went on to say that 30 yrs ago 25% of children with separated parents had the parents spilt before the child turned 20 yrs old. Ten years later it was 25% before the child turned 10 yrs old. Ten years later again and it was 23% before the child turned 6 yrs. I hope this isn’t an ever increasing scale.

In Sweden a study was conducted and it found that 1 in every 4 parents separated within the first ten years. This study went on to say there is a greater risk of separation in the years immediately after the child is born.

Why am i telling you all this?

Well the reason i do this blog is to share my experiences and endeavour to help fathers… so i guess the reason to write such doom and gloom is just to say be aware of this.

Myself and my partner have indeed experience hard times over the past few years as most couple do with children. It seems there is little time for the relationship and we are all consumed with the child and their welfare. The snippets of time we have had together (without child and was usually movies and a dinner) we were so tired we just wanted to go home to bed and.. sleep!

We have only two kids and I can only wonder how people with 3, 4 and 5 kids cope and have time for each other.

Often we put ourselves last, which is fine, but the relationship is the foundation of the family.

I have steered through the stormy waters now i hope as our daughter is 4 yrs old. Not to say that there wont be more stomrs ahead – i guarantee it, but i hope to have a better relationship balance now.

The advice – enjoy the journey asthe journey is the challenge… but ensure the foundation is solid as you navigate the stormy waters ahead..  and if you understand that last sentence i reckon you will be sorted!

navigate the storm

Rick recently blogged about bad behaviour and tantrums, and as my daughter gets more confident, stubborn and demanding I’ve been trying to get around to reading a book ‘Tears and Tantrums’ by Dr Aletha Solter. I’m having a bit of a middle-aged internal  tantrum myself trying to find the time to read it but one quote from the foreward stands out for me – ‘Children need the most love and attention when they act the least deserving of it’. I know other fathers of toddlers are also dealing with this type of challenging behaviour , displays of anger and temper tantrums as our little ones’ brains mature and they begin to experience new emotions for the first time. For those that haven’t seen it, here is a classic tantrum on YouTube – what is the point if no one is watching?

A couple of screaming fits in the same week and a sudden dash out of the supermarket into the street led us to seek support in how to best deal with our daughter’s behaviour and help us help her through this stage of development. She’s at an age (three-and-a-half) when there’s a lot going on in her little head, plus her mum has just brought home another cute little girl so there’s changes in her nursery and her cerebral core.

I enquired what sort of support was available locally and was told of two programs. First, ‘Triple P’ – The Positive Parenting Program. This would give us broad guidelines for relating to our kids, (for example, see help sheet on tantrums). Second, and the one we were more interested in, ‘1-2-3-Magic’ which we were told would give specific recommendations on what to do when our toddler doesn’t want to do what we want her to do.

There was a class starting in a local community hall on the evening I enquired (three Monday evenings from 6-8pm although it was also run as a weekend course and individual coaching was also available at a time that suited). We didn’t feel like failed parents with a uncontrollable child, but we did feel that we both had things to learn (if my computer wasn’t behaving as I wanted it to I’d go and talk to someone!). We thought at the very least it would give us a consistent way of interacting with our daughter, but in the end we got some much more from it , for example learning about emotion coaching, and I’ll highly recommend it to any parents (and recommend that both parents attend, fathers and mothers) .

I was first impressed with the results of this program when I mentioned it to my sister-in-law who was visiting from America. “Oh yes, we used it and still do, and our son is now 10”. Her son was sitting at the computer, we went into the room and she said “Come on, we have to go now”, “But mom, just one more …”, “That’s 1” she said and he immediately jumped out the chair and started getting his things together. Wow.

Other friends told me that they used it when their children were toddlers and were still using it as they approach adolescence, one said “I still get mileage out of it even with my 12-year-old. He really starts to panic when I get to two. I think 1-2-3-Magic works best in a family where children feel they are getting a reasonable deal generally.”

So what is it? Well initially it suggests you put bad behaviour into groups, things they won’t stop doing – like hitting their sibling, things they won’t start doing – like getting dressed, and MBAs – minor but annoying behaviour that it’s not worth having a battle about. Identifying these MBAs was a great insight and when we made a list we discovered there were plenty of things that it really wasn’t worth getting bothered about. This is also a very useful tip when considering what annoys you about your partner or other family members’ behaviour.

I won’t go into detail about the rest of the program but hey, it’s called ‘1-2-3-Magic’ – have a look their website, read the book, or hire the DVD from the library if you’re interested, or call your local neighboured centre and see when the next classes are being held. Where we live in Byron Shire we are lucky that the council supports the program and it’s run regularly and free with their funding support.

At the course, we also found comfort listening to the other parents that attended, all going through exactly the same type of experience (and some stories made our experience look trivial). We were all just striving to understand our toddlers better so that we could support them in a caring, consistent way to become good people, who were reasonable to live with – and to make parenting more fun. And funnily enough now that we’re skilled up from the course, we haven’t had one issue or tantrum since. It’s like she thought, “Well if they’re going on that course, they’re serious about this, so I may as well cut it out.” – Remarkable results without having to do anything. I have put it into practice the few times I’ve needed to hurry her up and it’s worked, like, well, magic. And good practice for the teenage years yet to come.

Sitting around a campfire last year with a varied group of men, most fathers of one or more children, it seemed we had a mad rush on to get the snip, 5 of us put up our hands, but sad to say only 2 have taken the leap so far, one year on… (looking at you Jim!)

Seeing as more detail is better, I’ll take you through my (rather painful!) experience:

Surgery itself took only 20 minutes at a Byron Bay specialist, Dr J. XXX (surname hidden), who apparently had the nick name Jack The Ripper (!?).

With just some local anaesthetic, applied with the help of the female nurse (really, is that necessary) and a quick cut to the right sac, pull out the cord, cut, tie off and put it all back in then stitch up. You can watch, but its not really my cup of tea… this all took just a few minutes, no pain, plain sailing!

The left side however was very different, I could still feel sharp pain after the first anaesthetic, so asked for another shot. We waited 10 mins for it to take affect, then Dr Jack has another crack. Ouch. OUCH! I’m still feeling EVERYTHING you’re doing… “too late, we had better just push on is the reply I get”, so for the next 5 minutes I’m gasping and sweating as the same procedure is repeated on my left side, sans-pain killer. Frigg that hurt.

Its over quickly, and I do walk out on my own, pay ($130) and wait for my ride.

Post-op, there is a little pain, mostly a ‘tugging’ sensation in the groin, like things have been stretched, which is exactly what they do when they cut ‘n tie things off. I take things very very easy, get acquainted with my new iPad (a little gift to myself from the proceeds of our book) and within a few days am back to normal, but still feeling it for a good week after.

No complications at all, for the next month or so, there’s the odd dull pain, nothing major.

What’s changed? Sex is much more enjoyable, there’s no fear of an unwanted pregnancy, and no messing around with contraceptive devices. That being said, it’s not the turn-on some might hope for from their partners, I wasn’t expecting much though…

There’s a notable drop in ‘volume’, and for the first few months perhaps a bit less libido, this I put down to a psychological change, not a psychical, and sure enough it soon passed.

Is it worth it? Totally. In the long run, its the best thing for me and my lover, the fear factor is with sex is completely gone, and its one thing I could do that might (ever so slightly) compare to giving birth to two children.

Sex can be spontaneous again, something rare indeed for working mums and dads.

No regrets whatsoever.

In the famous words of Betty White:

C’mon fellas.

I face a dilemma. What to sacrifice for the best of our family?

Being Dad

six years past was a different time
the endless summer
Beer, beach and bravado on my mind
and i laughed and i laughed…
the time sat waiting
inviting me to grasp
all thats needed now is a mate,
a board, a beer
an arm to twist or just to ask?
Happy? maybe but not content…

now six years on and I dared to dream
a family, a place to call my own..
a rocky, bumpy, long, hard road.
a journey of selflessness.
Leave your old self behind
hang on tight, buckle in
try to enjoy this ride
and for the toil and tears
the fast forward of you.. in years
the two, nah three coffee days
the memory jaded haze

now im here its all i care
left the endless summer
somewhere over there
and i say to you
my child my bairn……

“my selfless skin
I let you in
take it all
take everything
you are me and i am you
this tiny face
the smile of me
as generations tell the tale
of your winding journey
to bring you here
to me, to us
with all your love
i took the road less travelled by
to find you here right by my side…

and it has made all the difference.”

After watching a seemingly harmless cartoon with his older siblings, his Mum and I often find ourselves being Kung Fu Panda’d with a karate chop or side kick to the lower body.
It took two of us the other morning to hold him down on the floor to get him clothed and he was delighted; a wrestle against two full-grown adults, bring it on!
The house is now filled with low growls and bellowing roars reminiscent of the Serengeti.

So what has got into him?
Seeking help in Steve Biddulph’s boy bible “Raising Boys”, I discovered that boys receive three Testosterone surges throughout their lives, and sure enough one of them is around four years old.
Their little bodies receive a Testosterone-hit equivalent to what they receive in puberty.
Google Testosterone and you will find it is nothing less than an anabolic steroid, a performance-enhancing drug, banned from use by professional athletes.
So my little guy may be displaying what body builders refer to as roid rage.

Testosterone is essential for health and well-being as well as the prevention of
Osteoporosis.
Men produce about 8 times more of it then women, but women are a lot more sensitive to the stuff.
It sees men gain more muscle and bone mass than women and makes our bodies hairier. (in most cases)
It also gives the male a 15% larger brain than the females, but also makes us take more risks, and be 15% slower to run when charged by an elephant.

So how do I help my son in the throws of this drug surge?
Ride it out seems to be the only advise.
We’ll be doing our best to help indulge his physical activity needs and burn it off, with the knowledge that the surge will peak and subside to testosterone levels that his little body can manage again.

I’m still fantasizing about an Estrogen dart gun to knock the edge of him in times of need though.

Ever since last Christmas I’ve been questioning why we do Christmas at all anymore?
I’m not Christian, don’t celebrate any of the religious aspects of the holiday, hate all the excessive presents and usually end up doing 3 or 4 weird-and-painful-Xmas-do’s each year.

Why am I talking about Christmas in May?
I’ve decided its time to do something about it this year, and its going to take some preparation.

Things I enjoyed from my last Christmas:

• time with (close) family
• time off work
• getting away
• spending time with friends, who feel more like family than family (you know what I mean right?)

This year, lets celebrate the things we, as modern and mostly-non-Christian families, like about Christmas. Such as spending time with friends, outdoors if possible (Dec is usually cracker of a month in the Australian summer), getting away somewhere and not spending thousands on cheap Chinese toys.

So, instead of spending awkward days with your extended family this year, how about spending it with your closest friends and immediate family, go away camping and share a meal and perhaps a simple gift?

Some tips on making this a possibility:

• keep plans with your extended family vague, or even better, say you already have plans!
• somehow suggest to your kids grandparents that a single gift would be better than 20 gifts… or they could spend all $1,000 they usually do on each grandchild on one quality toy (iPad anyone, mmmm)
• plan like crazy with your friends, starting now, if you leave it till Oct / Nov its all over, bye bye and you’ll be spending it with the in-laws, again

We will be, stay tuned for the Xmas Spot X.

Anyway, my first child’s birth was recorded in print, so I hope you don’t mind, if I use this blog to record my second child’s birth … then I can staple it into the back of the book as a short sequel so that in the future each child can feel their birth was given attention.

Rereading my blog ‘Once more unto the breach dear friends’ about my thoughts when we found out we were pregnant was interesting for me, and rereading our book ‘One Got Past The Keeper’ – available from all good bookstores – also gave me renewed insight to the experience, particularly Yari’s chapter as a father of one giving birth to a second child.

Second-time around was definitely easier for both parents although it added the extra logistical challenge of someone to look after our three-year old while we were both away for a day. We were far more relaxed and (so far) it’s made for a far more relaxed baby. While the first one was brought home like a fragile shell with a no-noise surrounding area of several metres, the second one is handled with confidence and left to sleep on the sofa while all manner of normal, noisy, daily life goes on around her.

We were to have an elective c-section as our first birth was a c-section which went very smoothly and Mette didn’t feel strongly to try a VBAC (vaginal birth after caesarean). So, as before, we knew the date and this time also knew the procedure, although this time was at a different hospital – as we were low-risk Mette would give birth at the smaller country hospital of Murwillumbah (when asked, our new daughter will need  to answer ‘born in Murwillumbah, grew up in Mullumbimby’ – we won’t be moving to Murrumburrah any time soon). We had a family weekend before the Tuesday of the birth, fully aware that it was our last together with that particular family dynamic. We were able to arrange day-care on the day of the birth and fully prepare our three-year old beforehand with notice of what was going to happen on the big day. Mette was nervous but knew what was coming so no mysteries and wondering, more acknowledgement and preparation. I was very relaxed and fully confident in telling Mette not to worry, and that everything would be okay.

A beautiful calm drive on a brilliant sunny day through the lush green hills of Northern NSW is a lovely way to go to hospital. The small, empty, maternity ward had a balcony with an amazing vista and was run by friendly ‘old world’ country staff. We settled in and waited for the various pre-op visits to put the thing that goes into the bladder, and the thing that goes in the back of the hand (sorry, I haven’t paid enough attention to recent episodes of Grey’s Anatomy to know the technical terms). We relaxed, talked names and got ready for our lives to change forever. At the allotted time we were taken down to the operating theatre, I was dressed in surgical blue (in the doctors changing room that had no pictures on the lockers – for those readers of One Got Past the Keeper who were wondering)  and Mette had the anaesthetic injection (spinal block) – I was not allowed to be part of this which worried Mette a little because our previous experience was different, anyhow after about 20 minutes (which felt like 50) I was back with her on the unmessy side of the green curtain and we were back to a situation we knew where various doctors began preparing, poking and rummaged around in Mette’s tummy. The anaesthetist gave us a kind of commentary as he looked over the curtain and eventually told me I could look over. I was expecting to see our new born baby, but instead saw our baby starting to be pulled out of Mette’s tummy which was a little disturbing I have to say. If the previous birth had felt like a car crash (not the pain and blood part but the sense of time moving slowly part) then this was even more so. Having experienced it all before, this second time I felt very present and much more able to see, feel and hear everything around me. When the baby did appear and starting making a noise I burst into tears as I had during our first birth. What a very special moment it was to meet the little girl that we’d been communicating with while she wiggled around in Mette’s tummy for the last weeks. I cut the cord, she was wrapped up and I carried her over to Mette where she rested on her chest a few inches from her face and opened her eyes for the first time. We chatted amongst ourselves while Mette was sewn up and then after only about 40 minutes in the operating theatre and many ‘thank-yous’ and ‘congratulations’ we were taken out into the recover ward where our new little bundle of life quickly got skin-to-skin contact, got on the nipple and started gurgling happily. She was covered in the white waxy stuff which was to disappear into her skin over the coming days but other than that she looked perfectly beautiful – love, love, love was in the air again.

Meanwhile back in the real world, our three-year was picked up from family day-care by friends and was welcomed home by her grandmother who was visiting from Norway who fed her and then got her ready her for bed along with her other nana who lives locally. By the time dad arrived home all was good and a special night’s sleep in mum & dad’s bed with pappa was enjoyed by both new father and new big sister.

The next day, for the first morning of visiting, the new father and new big sister Zoe were the first to meet new little sister Billie. We had a couple of grandmothers at home who were champing at the bit to be there, but we wanted some new family time first so that Zoe could introduce them to her new little sister in the afternoon – which she did very graciously. The rest of the hospital time was pleasant and calm – apart from me losing my mobile phone, using ‘findmyiphone’ to locate it in bin at a random address in Murwillumbah, rummaging down the bin, not finding it but seeing muscle powder and dog food, getting scared, taking the bin in the car to the police station and returning later with the police to return the rubbish – but that’s another story!

Four days later Mette and Billie came home and it felt like we had a more crowded house, We definitely had a more crowded bed (what my brother refers to as ‘the dreadful bedful’) for a few nights as we all slept (a bit) in awkward positions (a lot) in one queen-size bed – uncomfortable but very satisifying (although I think I enjoyed it more than Mette).

So, another one got past the keeper – all good, all  very very good – we feel more like a complete family now (as we are both from families with one sibling) rather than a couple with a child. It’s 2-0 and will remain so we think. It’s more work but not twice as much, and not nearly as hard as the first time. The rewards are obvious already and the winner is our new baby daughter who will get all the love and attention of the first time around, but with the advantage that this time the parents do actually know what they are doing (sort of).

I for one learnt the hard way just how important both a mother and a fathers role is in the raising of children and how we both bring different assets to the mix needed to raise kids.
After my first marriage failed, leaving with me with three young children aged between two and six to care for half the time I did my best to play the role of both parents.
Epic fail!
If I had put my efforts into being the best Dad I could be, rather than trying to play both Dad and Mum (a role I’m not wired for), it would probably have been a much smoother transition for everyone.
Mother’s plays different, sing different, cuddle different, comfort and console differently to Fathers, and try as we may at times, we can never emulate the other role.
Mothers make the best mothers, and Fathers make the best Fathers, and hopefully for those single parents who don’t have the luxury of the opposite parent in their children’s life, there is a friend or relative close at hand who can mentor and help to play this opposing gender role.
The importance of this has been recognized in the setting up of UNCLE and AUNTY movements around the country so kids can enjoy time with a mentor the same gender as the parent who may not be available in their life.
Many of the writers involved in our book, One Got Past the Keeper were UNCLE’s before and after they became parents, and several still have relationships with the boys they mentored ten years ago.

So back to where I started, here’s to all the Mother’s, we truly can’t get by without you.

Just to touch briefly on a subject Nick raised a couple of blogs ago about how to discipline a defiant two-year-old.
I found I resorted to the ever popular method of my own parents; counting.
You remember when you were asked to get in the car or get into the bath, and when you said no, you were given a three count, 1—–2——
This seems to work for my youngest; he rarely waits to find out what ever happens if I got to 3.
It’s also helping his understanding of fractions, two and a quarter, two and a half, two and three quarters, two and seven eights.